It’s (not) a new bike! How to manage kids’ gift expectations at Christmas

December 25, 2025 – 12:05 PM

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After investing time, thought and money into creating a magical day, it can feel confronting when your child reacts negatively to a present. If it’s a gift you’ve chosen, you might feel hurt or frustrated. When it’s from a relative or friend, embarrassment can creep in, as you’re caught between wanting to acknowledge your child’s feelings, and worrying about offending the giver.

You might wonder whether you’ve failed to teach gratitude, or worry your child seems spoiled. But disappointment is difficult for children and a normal part of emotional development. Your child’s feelings at this time can also be an opportunity for connection and learning.

Why expectations run so high

But this isn’t simply about materialism.

Developmental stages shape how children

experience gifts

. Particular toys, clothes, or brands can take on symbolic meaning, tied to how they see themselves or where they

feel they belong

developmental drive

Understanding this helps explain why children’s reactions can sometimes seem disproportionate to us as adults: their disappointment isn’t just about the object itself, but about identity and belonging, and the strong emotions that come with both.

When children’s expectations for a gift are not met, dopamine levels drop, leading to feelings of disappointment. This process is a normal part of

learning

and developing

self-regulation skills

. This disappointment teaches children to manage when they don’t get what they’re hoping for, helping them develop realistic expectations and cope with life’s inevitable frustrations.

Talk before the big day

Early, gentle conversations can make a difference. This gives parents a chance to spot when expectations are being shaped by peer pressure, advertising, or trends that might not align with their child’s age or your family values.

For example, your child might ask for a video game that isn’t age appropriate, or a preschooler might suddenly want makeup because friends are talking about it. Rather than waiting for disappointment, it helps to discuss these things ahead of time.

Some families set clear expectations about gifts. For example, buying according to a four gift rule (something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read).

The key is to approach discussions with warmth and curiosity, not judgement:

When disappointment strikes

Managing disappointment is

difficult for children

. If your child reacts with disappointment,

avoid shaming

or scolding them with “you should be grateful”.

Children

need to process

their emotions first. When we’re upset, we can’t think about others.

You could could say:

When you validate disappointment it helps children feel safe to express big feelings. It also helps develop the ability to tolerate feelings of distress and disappointment and learn

emotions are manageable

While it’s OK for children to feel disappointed, it’s not okay for them to be rude or lash out. Once calm, revisit what happened gently:

Building gratitude over time

Gratitude

can’t be forced

. It grows from connection to others and experiences, not constant correction from adults. You can model this by noticing small acts of thoughtfulness. For example,

Also encourage children to choose or make gifts for others, wrap presents or plan family surprises.

When children experience being the giver, they develop empathy and begin to understand the thought and effort that goes into choosing gifts.

Elizabeth Westrupp

, Associate Professor in Psychology,

Deakin University

Christiane Kehoe

, Senior Lecturer in Psychiatry,

The University of Melbourne.

The Conversation

under a Creative Commons license. Read the

original article